Skip to main content

Regret

  • Thread starter Thread starter S Bomb
  • Start date Start date

Regret

S

S Bomb

I'm struggling and have been for some time now.

I'm almost 40 and I don't think this is a typical upcoming mid life crisis. I don't watch a new younger woman or a sports car.

However, I am filled with deep frustration about missed opportunities when I was younger. How I acted with people - friends, acquaintances, girlfriends, potential girlfriends. And why did I go to Uni? Why didn't I move away? And then work, why did I do what I do? Why not leave after 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, etc.

I love my wife and kids so it's not that I want out, but it's like I am yearning to relive years 16 - 30 with retrospective knowledge. Like a multiverse feeling. I can't shake it off but I want to.

I have thought about "being dead". I am not suicidal though. The thought of doing the act disgusts me. But if I was ill or something, I feel like I want that. Honestly it's messing me about now.

How I do break out of this? Anybody else been through it?
 
Hi mate, I didn’t want to just scroll past this without saying something. I get it. What you’ve written really hit home because I’ve had similar thoughts, especially about the “what-ifs” and looking back at choices I wish I’d made differently. It’s frustrating, isn’t it? Feels like you’re stuck reliving things in your head that you can’t go back and fix.

I’m not going to pretend I’ve got all the answers, but what’s helped me is trying to focus on what’s good in my life right now. You’ve said you love your wife and kids—that’s massive. It might sound a bit cliché, but sometimes trying to find little things to be grateful for each day can help shift your focus.

And you’re not alone in this feeling, honestly. A lot of people have regrets—it’s human. Maybe try looking at those decisions as steps that brought you to where you are now, even if they weren’t perfect at the time.

If you’re finding it hard to shake, it might be worth chatting with someone about it—whether that’s a mate, your partner, or even a professional. Sometimes just saying it out loud can take some of the weight off.

Anyway, my PMs are open if you ever want to chat properly. Take care of yourself 👍🏻
 
Coming up to life's major milestones, especially age related ones (30, 40, 50, etc), often hits people in strange and unpredictable ways.

You're coming up to 40, and although that might be purely coincidental here, I know for a fact there isn't a day (or night) goes by when I don't replay some old event in my mind, or regret something I did or didn't do, or say, or wish for some other outcome in any number of trivial events.

The human condition afflicts us with this, and also dictates that we must suffer from imposter syndrome at every opportunity.

Welcome to the club.

There is also an unerring truth that youth is wasted on the young.

My Grandma always used to tell me she was forever stuck at age 15 in her mind, and every year after that, until into her 90s, she just became a slightly older, slightly more frail, but infinitely wiser, lady.

But a 15 year old all the same, until the day she died.
 
Hi S Bomb,

Felt, and yes still have those thoughts to this day, missed opportunities, relationships with family, past girlfriends,
If only's and why did or did not choose that track in my life.
I try to equate life choices to a footy game we play, down to decisions, sometimes right or wrong, throw in good and bad fortune, right or wrong place or time,
Personally I stop think, reflect what I have got this moment in time, kids, grandkids, decent roof over my head, steady job but not glamorous.
Have I done my best, lived my full potential?, not really, could have made more of an effort all-round, that said I have kept out of trouble,
and been honest the majority of the years with myself and others and have got decent health.
Respect yourself Bomb, take stock, sounds like your a guy who recognises his values in life.
Pining for earlier times when freedom was taken for granted is natural, no harm at all taking that journey down memory lane, as long as you return in good time to the present.
Dark thoughts are not the antidote, just watch 'Its a Wonderful Life', simplistic but down to a tee story.
You could have been a lot worse off in life if you had took alternative decisions.

Don't look back, you are not going there, some philosopher once recited.


Thats the mystery of our lives, we will never know, so don't waste time the present wrestling with this ball of string of
what if's.

By the way, I am 68 now, thinking young helps, sense of humour (being a Nobber helps)! and stay healthy as possible in the mind as well as physical and God willing you will have a decent game mate.


Hope this rant helps, stay strong and maybe open your eyes a wee bit more, have a look what you have achieved and have smile to yourself.

All the best fella for 2025!
 
You can’t bring back what’s passed. What’s done is done and cannot be changed. So don’t beat yourself up about anything. The only thing you do in life is learn from what you have done and where you have been. You are where you are now. With a wife and kids you love. If those kids are decent people you have achieved a lot. You can shape your future though. Take care of yourself and cherish what you have. And maybe talk to a GP or get some talking therapy. Good luck.
 
I think it sounds perfectly normal and relatable so I don’t think it’s unique to you. Can see many of those sort of thoughts have been through my head over the years and like you there’s many things I’d like to go back and have the option to make choice B rather than A etc with the benefit of hindsight.

Given you otherwise recognise you aren’t in a specifically bad place is a good sign at least that you are able to rationalise some of this yourself.

If you are at a big enough employer they sometimes have Employee Assistance type schemes that you can access and most seem to offer some sort of helpline with access to counsellors for certain personal issues. Could it be worth seeing if that option is there and maybe even using some free sessions to talk to someone with that sort of training who is outside of your own personal life and impartial to maybe give an alternative view or signpost you to resources or activities that may help you gain more insight or ways to re process how you are feeling.

Good on you for recognising it in the first instance and reaching out. That’s a huge step for most people so fingers crossed you can keep working on it whether through people on here or elsewhere. As others have said just keep talking at least
 
Keep busy and active and stay off the booze. The anxiety the latter brings is terrible.

Also, you're of an age where wise words from an older relatives are becoming more sparse. I've really missed my parents this Xmas.

You're in a kind of transition period, between youth and old age and if you can make it through to the latter you should give yourself a pat on the back. Not that you'll be able to reach.

Hope this helps and look after yourself.
 
Last edited:
When I was 21, I got paired with a rather attractive, petite redhead for an assignment at college.

Afterwards, she invited me to her place for a brew. I remember thinking she was just being polite and I also wanted to get home to watch Neighbours so I declined.

Very, very occasionally, I think back to that moment. She never spoke to me again so I suspect that all I missed, at best, was a nice cup of tea.

On the other hand, it could have been as weak as piss and who would want to miss Neighbours for that?

I’ll never know but I am where I am.

Live in the now.
 
northender0602 said:
You can’t bring back what’s passed. What’s done is done and cannot be changed. So don’t beat yourself up about anything. The only thing you do in life is learn from what you have done and where you have been. You are where you are now. With a wife and kids you love. If those kids are decent people you have achieved a lot. You can shape your future though. Take care of yourself and cherish what you have. And maybe talk to a GP or get some talking therapy. Good luck.
Click to expand...

Your first 2 sentences says it all….. Great advice.

I am very happily married now and I have a great life but it doesn’t stop me thinking back about past events and how I could have done things differently.

If I start having regrets or replaying past events I force myself to stop and think only about the future…

Some good advice on here @S Bomb from people with more experience than me, but it might be worth getting some professional help from a Psychotherapist… Good Luck 👍🏻
 
You are not alone mate...we all have what ifs and regrets...some are more heartbreaking than others ....try not to dwell on them as they can make you bitter.I have about three things i would change instantly if i could. However those decisions gives me the wisdom to advise others not to make my mistakes.
Pm if you want
 
I feel the pain OP. Been there and often relapse there too.

Horrible place being in a perfect multiverse comparing it to my own life with tinted dark spectacles. The distortion of compare and despair.

I often use it as a soother. It is very alluring being able find comfort in what I could have been and quite easy to tap into as a result. It's a really hard cycle to break but acknowledging it is a big step.

One of the ways I challenge is to think to myself if I didn't make the decisions I ended up making at time based on what I knew then I may not have the good things I have now or the life experience I have now. If everything was perfect would it actually be as good as you thought?

Nobody knows whether the retrospective perfect view would achieve a outcome they think. It's impossible. You might think it would but who knows? It's OK to think what if but it comes to a point where it distorts your view of today.

In long about way, try to focus on the good things you have in your life. Each day, write or mentally jot it down to see what you notice over time. By focusing on what makes you happy today and building your life around it you can find ways of managing that frustration and chipping away at it positively. Finding a new hobby or someone to talk to will help massively. I have used NHS Talking Therapies and found them really helpful might work for you as well.

It's not fair on yourself to beat yourself up, life is hard enough as it is pal.

It will be great to hear more about your journey and feel free to reach out if you like.
 
Back
Top