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I don't particularly like myself

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I don't particularly like myself

I

I dunno

As above really.

I'm by no means a monster but I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I tell lies, not earth shattering lies but I'm one heck of a fibber. I guess I'm self aware at least, but how do I change? I don't want to be the person letting down his family, his wife, his kids.

I need growth, but how? I'm supposing many adults come up against these kinds of questions at some point, where do I turn though? Books, videos, therapies, tasks, rituals anything that could be recommended I'd consider, I'm open minded in such a way.

I suppose the crux is that I need to grow up!

Help?
 
I'm curious why you think that of yourself and why you think you're letting people down? All traits are on a continuum so everything's relative and those things don't make you a bad person. One mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighter as someone eloquently said.

Having said that a desire for change is good, if you feel some of the behaviours are stopping you enjoying your life, and yes I think most people at some point go through some sort of identity crisis. I'm an advocate for counselling, having had some myself and really the crux of it for me was if I want to be a certain person, then engaging in those behaviours is stopping that. Plus a discussion with the counsellor about where those behaviours may have come from (my Dad leaving when I was 2 years old)! So self awareness is a great first step, bringing the unconscious into awareness is important, and working out what you need to change and why.

Maybe podcasts (see the sub forum) might help bring a different perspective? Listening to other people can help with the eureka moments, bringing some clarity about what to change. Here's a cheap and obvious, but fucking difficult, solution - ask your nearest and dearest to be honest with you. That can be powerful.
 
pne_monster said:
I'm curious why you think that of yourself and why you think you're letting people down? All traits are on a continuum so everything's relative and those things don't make you a bad person. One mans terrorist is another mans freedom fighter as someone eloquently said.

Having said that a desire for change is good, if you feel some of the behaviours are stopping you enjoying your life, and yes I think most people at some point go through some sort of identity crisis. I'm an advocate for counselling, having had some myself and really the crux of it for me was if I want to be a certain person, then engaging in those behaviours is stopping that. Plus a discussion with the counsellor about where those behaviours may have come from (my Dad leaving when I was 2 years old)! So self awareness is a great first step, bringing the unconscious into awareness is important, and working out what you need to change and why.

Maybe podcasts (see the sub forum) might help bring a different perspective? Listening to other people can help with the eureka moments, bringing some clarity about what to change. Here's a cheap and obvious, but fucking difficult, solution - ask your nearest and dearest to be honest with you. That can be powerful.
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Lots to take away from this post, thank you, you've certainly provided food for thought. I suppose I feel as though I let people down as I know I'm not presenting the best version of myself, too often I take the easy way out and rarely does that have the best of impacts on the people around me, I'd like to provide them with more, not necessarily material things but memories, experiences etc. I suppose a good analogy would be petrol station flowers, I know if I wasn't quite so lazy I could likely arrange a thoughtful and special gift for a loved one, but the way I am now leaves me disappointing myself and my loved ones.

I do enjoy podcasts but I tend to stick to sports and other more light-hearted stuff, perhaps I'll seek out something a little deeper.
 
I dunno said:
As above really.

I'm by no means a monster but I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I tell lies, not earth shattering lies but I'm one heck of a fibber. I guess I'm self aware at least, but how do I change? I don't want to be the person letting down his family, his wife, his kids.

I need growth, but how? I'm supposing many adults come up against these kinds of questions at some point, where do I turn though? Books, videos, therapies, tasks, rituals anything that could be recommended I'd consider, I'm open minded in such a way.

I suppose the crux is that I need to grow up!

Help?
Click to expand...
I think we all spend too much time feeling bad about ourselves for just being human. We are all selfish to a certain degree. We all have flaws, fears, self criticism over our looks or things we do.

Thing is, all of the above is normal emotion, but it’s hard to accept it as the norm. The older you get the more you realise that most things don’t really matter. That you will make mistakes, everyone does. It’s not the mistakes you make, no matter how big, it’s what you learn from them. Life happens around you while you spend your days worrying about something that never occurs. Step back, admit your mistakes and decisions are no different to the vast majority of people, which means you’re normal……..then learn to like yourself for who you really are.

The fact that you don’t want to let down your wife and kids shows that you’re decent. Give yourself a break and look what you have got and what you have achieved. Life can be great once you accept your true self.

Keep well
 
I dunno said:
As above really.

I'm by no means a monster but I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I tell lies, not earth shattering lies but I'm one heck of a fibber. I guess I'm self aware at least, but how do I change? I don't want to be the person letting down his family, his wife, his kids.

I need growth, but how? I'm supposing many adults come up against these kinds of questions at some point, where do I turn though? Books, videos, therapies, tasks, rituals anything that could be recommended I'd consider, I'm open minded in such a way.

I suppose the crux is that I need to grow up!

Help?
Click to expand...
Sometimes this can be a a negative voice, not like hearing voices but a narrative which defines you.

Maybe this message came from an influential other, parent or other adults, older siblings.

At critical formatve points in your life these can be very damaging. Inflential others can often transfer their negative thoughts about themselves onto others, especially ones who are powerless to hit back-quite often children.

It's not necessarily the recipients faults but the adult's image of themselves.

So for example if my father constantly told me that I'm lazy, I start to believe it it. Then everytime someone calls me lazy it just confirms what I believe about myself, even if it's not true.

Comments which somebody with good self esteem would brush off. I could even construe innocent comments from others which aren't intended to mean that I'm lazy but I reconstruct to confirm how I see myself.

Is it possible that you've had an influential adult who has told you these negative things about yourself in a time in your life when you were highly impressionable? They are not true.

I'm not a clinician but my guess is that CBT might help you get out of a spiral of negative thoughts.

As you say you avoid confronting things because it's easier to stick with the way you see your self because that's what you've always known.

Hope that makes sense and I've not waffled too much.
 
I dunno said:
Lots to take away from this post, thank you, you've certainly provided food for thought. I suppose I feel as though I let people down as I know I'm not presenting the best version of myself, too often I take the easy way out and rarely does that have the best of impacts on the people around me, I'd like to provide them with more, not necessarily material things but memories, experiences etc. I suppose a good analogy would be petrol station flowers, I know if I wasn't quite so lazy I could likely arrange a thoughtful and special gift for a loved one, but the way I am now leaves me disappointing myself and my loved ones.

I do enjoy podcasts but I tend to stick to sports and other more light-hearted stuff, perhaps I'll seek out something a little deeper.
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You're welcome mate. Always happy to try and help. Your response begs a question - why? Why do you take the easy way if it's apparently causing you some cognitive discomfort? Maybe that's the question that needs answering?
 
Nobber said:
I think we all spend too much time feeling bad about ourselves for just being human. We are all selfish to a certain degree. We all have flaws, fears, self criticism over our looks or things we do.

Thing is, all of the above is normal emotion, but it’s hard to accept it as the norm. The older you get the more you realise that most things don’t really matter. That you will make mistakes, everyone does. It’s not the mistakes you make, no matter how big, it’s what you learn from them. Life happens around you while you spend your days worrying about something that never occurs. Step back, admit your mistakes and decisions are no different to the vast majority of people, which means you’re normal……..then learn to like yourself for who you really are.

The fact that you don’t want to let down your wife and kids shows that you’re decent. Give yourself a break and look what you have got and what you have achieved. Life can be great once you accept your true self.

Keep well
Click to expand...
Couldn’t have written this any better. Bang on. See the bit in bold. That is the secret to life. Go for it pal.

Absolutely we’ll said Nobber.
 
I dunno said:
As above really.

I'm by no means a monster but I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I tell lies, not earth shattering lies but I'm one heck of a fibber. I guess I'm self aware at least, but how do I change? I don't want to be the person letting down his family, his wife, his kids.

I need growth, but how? I'm supposing many adults come up against these kinds of questions at some point, where do I turn though? Books, videos, therapies, tasks, rituals anything that could be recommended I'd consider, I'm open minded in such a way.

I suppose the crux is that I need to grow up!

Help?
Click to expand...
In terms of the lying, I suppose you’ve got to be really honest with yourself (lol) and ask yourself why you’re doing it. I used to be very close to someone who was a pathological liar. Their reason for lying so frequently was to mask feelings of inadequacy about who they were as a person. Not saying it will be the same for you but if you can identify the root cause, you should at least be able to understand how to stamp it out. Like any long-held habit though, it will take a lot of discipline to dispel it. The impulse to lie will keep surfacing for a while and you’ll have to fight hard to prevent it from overcoming you. Absolutely no reason you can’t do it though. You already acknowledge it’s something you ought not to be doing. That’s always the first step.

As for the selfishness and laziness, I suppose again it comes down to recognising exactly which elements of your behaviour fall within those categories. A lot of behaviour which could be attributed to those traits will be unconscious for you by now. You’ll really have to scrutinise your own actions and accept when you’ve erred. I’m sure there are other sources that can give you far more penetrating information but what I would say is selfishness is only rectified when you put others foremost in your mind at the time a decision is made. It’s far easier said than done, because it’s not usually something that will receive instant gratification, but try to imagine for yourself what would really help or please someone important to you in any given situation. You’ll find you probably won’t have to change your behaviour as drastically as you think but you really will have to stop yourself at first and analyse the ramifications of whatever it is you’re doing.

But have faith bud, you’ve already done the brave thing (something that many don’t do) of conceding that your behaviour could be somewhat detrimental to others and it’s time for you to do something about it. That’s half the battle right there. Keep plugging away and always return here for support if you need it.
 
I dunno said:
As above really.

I'm by no means a monster but I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I tell lies, not earth shattering lies but I'm one heck of a fibber. I guess I'm self aware at least, but how do I change? I don't want to be the person letting down his family, his wife, his kids.

I need growth, but how? I'm supposing many adults come up against these kinds of questions at some point, where do I turn though? Books, videos, therapies, tasks, rituals anything that could be recommended I'd consider, I'm open minded in such a way.

I suppose the crux is that I need to grow up!

Help?
Click to expand...
Its ok to want to become a better version of yourself however its important to learn/love who you are and accept your flaws too.
Nobody is perfect.

If you want to improve certain aspects of your life then set yourself small goals and try your best to accomplish them. It won't be a quick fix overnight. When you have a bad day and go back to old habits then its ok, learn to accept that this will happen and try again.

If you try this and then after a few months or weeks look back and evaluate how you are doing and make sure you reward yourself with the progress you made.

Also just enjoy yourself and do things that make you happy.
That last bit is very important. ^
 
I dunno said:
As above really.

I'm by no means a monster but I'm selfish, I'm lazy, I tell lies, not earth shattering lies but I'm one heck of a fibber. I guess I'm self aware at least, but how do I change? I don't want to be the person letting down his family, his wife, his kids.

I need growth, but how? I'm supposing many adults come up against these kinds of questions at some point, where do I turn though? Books, videos, therapies, tasks, rituals anything that could be recommended I'd consider, I'm open minded in such a way.

I suppose the crux is that I need to grow up!

Help?
Click to expand...

I had this exact conversation with myself about 10 years ago. Being self aware is half the battle.

The best thing I've found is setting targets and trying to meet them. Start easy. Don't lie to my partner today. Go for a walk round the block after work. You can build up from there once you start finding the easy stuff easy.

If you smoke the herb then look at limiting your intake. It really does kill self motivation, speaking from real experience. I had half my life smoking it and not really progressing myself. Since stopping a daily habit I've met my partner, bought a house, expecting a child and started earning good money.

And personally, I find Jordan Peterson to provide good inspiration and motivation on these subjects. His book 12 rules for life is a decent guide to self improvement, so if you're willing to give it a try it's worth a shot. Not going to suggest it will work for everyone.
 
I often spend time writing down what I feel no matter how visceral or bad it may sound and put it on paper.

Sometimes it's a few minutes and sometimes it can be much much longer. But once I finish, I literally set fire to what I have written and throw away the ashes.

I find it a therapeutic way of offloading my emotional baggage and getting myself back on track.
 
I've read through this thread many times now.

Never quite found the words to reply in a way to get over how I've been feeling. Following posting this when although fed up I was still positive about making changes I've kind of taken a downturn in mood and a new upturn in anxiety (something I've not really encountered before), all of it I believe stemming from this sense of letting down the people around me.

I'm crawling back out of the mire though and will try again to be better and to like myself for who I am.

Cheers folks.
 
I dunno said:
I've read through this thread many times now.

Never quite found the words to reply in a way to get over how I've been feeling. Following posting this when although fed up I was still positive about making changes I've kind of taken a downturn in mood and a new upturn in anxiety (something I've not really encountered before), all of it I believe stemming from this sense of letting down the people around me.

I'm crawling back out of the mire though and will try again to be better and to like myself for who I am.

Cheers folks.
Click to expand...

The bit in bold I have experienced a lot and it worsened when part of a family with kids depending on you. It still happens now and I feel bad if I perceive I've let people down, sometimes in stupid things I have no control over like taking people to a theme park and then they have to queue and get pissed off. It's nothing you can change or have fixed but I still feel I own that.

But by the same notion I've also learnt over time that it's something you have to live with but try to understand yourself that you couldn't do anything about it, it isn't my/your fault. And ultimately, you also need to be happy if you are going to make other people happy.

I think it doesn't help with society and life as it is now, especially in these last few months/years, that burden on people to provide at home and make sure you can cover the bills and have a life that isn't a hamster wheel with no enjoyment, it can become a slog and you doubt yourself and so on.

Is there anything like looking at changing jobs(internal moves potentially if you don't think you'd move externally for example), hobbies, weekends doing something different, ust trying to crack that feeling of being fed up even temporarily.

Sorry lots of words with little substance and I talk a good story even if I don't do what I tell others to do
 
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