Skip to main content

Advice needed

Advice needed

I don't know if you have a lot of hobbies or whatnot, but the bigger distance you can put between you and this person, the better.
They often say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but actually if someone isn't right for you, absence makes your heart grow stronger not fonder.
You might get to a point where this person just doesn't tempt you anymore.
Love is like anything addictive, treat love that damages you like any other thing that damages you with addictive properties.
 
DSPP said:
Thanks for all the feedback. Really really in a dilemma here
Click to expand...
Undoubtedly a difficult and complex situation but you can distill the whole thing down to one question;

Are you happy?

If you can't honestly answer 'yes' without hesitation, then you know what to do cha.

Really simplistic I know but ultimately that's what matters mate.
 
DSPP said:
Thanks for all the feedback. Really really in a dilemma here
Click to expand...


If you really do want to try and make it work, despite everything, and are not quite ready to give up hope, then your partner`s behaviour needs to change. It sounds like you are being taken for granted, and your partner will most likely get worse, not better, when it comes to ignoring your needs and feelings.

This means you HAVE to bring things to a head..which need not be as dramatic as it sounds. It simply means you have to talk about it..and do so without fearing you`ll lose whatever little left you have in your relationship. Sometimes relationships need a re-boot....and just the possibility of you leaving might make your partner re-assess their feelings to you.

Guidance or Relationship Councelling could well help, especially if you find things hard to express...... and if your partner refuses, then you know where you stand.

But please..do not be afraid to talk because you might end up alone. Aren`t you already feeling alone? I know that I was never so lonely as when in an unhappy relationship.
 
MBcha said:
Undoubtedly a difficult and complex situation but you can distill the whole thing down to one question;

Are you happy?

If you can't honestly answer 'yes' without hesitation, then you know what to do cha.

Really simplistic I know but ultimately that's what matters mate.
Click to expand...
When we're good yes. When it's bad not at all. Unfortunately the latter outweighs the former
 
Bardas said:
If you really do want to try and make it work, despite everything, and are not quite ready to give up hope, then your partner`s behaviour needs to change. It sounds like you are being taken for granted, and your partner will most likely get worse, not better, when it comes to ignoring your needs and feelings.

This means you HAVE to bring things to a head..which need not be as dramatic as it sounds. It simply means you have to talk about it..and do so without fearing you`ll lose whatever little left you have in your relationship. Sometimes relationships need a re-boot....and just the possibility of you leaving might make your partner re-assess their feelings to you.

Guidance or Relationship Councelling could well help, especially if you find things hard to express...... and if your partner refuses, then you know where you stand.

But please..do not be afraid to talk because you might end up alone. Aren`t you already feeling alone? I know that I was never so lonely as when in an unhappy relationship.
Click to expand...
I've suggested counselling. She laughs and calls me weak
 
daddyman16 said:
I don't know if you have a lot of hobbies or whatnot, but the bigger distance you can put between you and this person, the better.
They often say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but actually if someone isn't right for you, absence makes your heart grow stronger not fonder.
You might get to a point where this person just doesn't tempt you anymore.
Love is like anything addictive, treat love that damages you like any other thing that damages you with addictive properties.
Click to expand...
Not hobbies as such but I do have a very demanding job that I sometimes lose focus on to sort my relationship. Maybe I should re prioritize
 
DSPP said:
Not hobbies as such but I do have a very demanding job that I sometimes lose focus on to sort my relationship. Maybe I should re prioritize
Click to expand...
I don’t mean to sound harsh by any stretch but I don’t know any other way to say it. So, here goes.

First you need to put your own happiness as a priority not your partners (at least until she earns that privilege) and remember people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If she doesn’t treat you well then she doesn’t love you and you can’t make her. I am 69 and I know how fast life passes you by don’t get to 69 wishing you hadn’t wasted all those years being miserable and wishing and hoping for something that simply isn’t there. Stop being so forgiving and nice because whilst you are making her life better she is making you miserable. If she truly loves you then she will listen and act with changes if not, then you must make a new start and concentrate on you, what is it you want from life, from a partner. You will meet someone new, it may take time but that’s when to think about what you want.

I wish you so much happiness I hope everything turns out well With the right choices.
 
Joanpne said:
I don’t mean to sound harsh by any stretch but I don’t know any other way to say it. So, here goes.

First you need to put your own happiness as a priority not your partners (at least until she earns that privilege) and remember people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If she doesn’t treat you well then she doesn’t love you and you can’t make her. I am 69 and I know how fast life passes you by don’t get to 69 wishing you hadn’t wasted all those years being miserable and wishing and hoping for something that simply isn’t there. Stop being so forgiving and nice because whilst you are making her life better she is making you miserable. If she truly loves you then she will listen and act with changes if not, then you must make a new start and concentrate on you, what is it you want from life, from a partner. You will meet someone new, it may take time but that’s when to think about what you want.

I wish you so much happiness I hope everything turns out well With the right choices.
Click to expand...
I completely get that Joan. And agree. But the thought of her with someone else rips me apart. And she is the type to tell me every intimate detail. Sometimes it feels easier to put up with her than face that. It seems the lesser of the 2 evils. I feel truly trapped
 
DSPP said:
I completely get that Joan. And agree. But the thought of her with someone else rips me apart. And she is the type to tell me every intimate detail. Sometimes it feels easier to put up with her than face that. It seems the lesser of the 2 evils. I feel truly trapped
Click to expand...
I wish I could help you see your strengths. Instead of listening to things about her with someone else focus on her never being able to have again what YOU offered her. Give that some thought because you may just see the biggest loser would NOT be you. Also, standing up for yourself will force her to have more respect for you. The person you need to convince is you, you deserve so much more than feeling trapped that isn’t love it’s habit.

Sorry I sound so hard but it’s meant in the best possible way.
 
DSPP said:
But the thought of her with someone else rips me apart.
Click to expand...

I'm going to say something controversial here, it should be a relief to you that she'd be with someone else because it'll them getting treated badly, not you. You know she's only going to be having fun because she's got some fresh meat to mistreat, not because she's actually happy.
Besides, anyone who does the whole thing of winding their ex up with intimate details of their new relationship are just nasty individuals that aren't worth your time or stress.
 
DSPP said:
I completely get that Joan. And agree. But the thought of her with someone else rips me apart. And she is the type to tell me every intimate detail. Sometimes it feels easier to put up with her than face that. It seems the lesser of the 2 evils. I feel truly trapped
Click to expand...

Let's just say for example you ended this relationship with her, why should she be able to tell you any of this?

In the event of a break-up, It would probably be healthy for you (and her) to cut all ties / all lines of communication, so that such a situation would not arise and cause you the distress. Block her number, Facebook and whatever else. I appreciate this may create a void in your life for a while, but sometimes holding on to something causes more damage than letting go.

I remember someone once telling me that letting go of a toxic relationship is a bit like having a tooth that's causing severe pain removed. At first you're very focused on the void where the tooth was, it feels weird, your tongue is constantly rubbing over the area in question, but pretty quickly after, you realise the pain is subsiding, you're not as focused on any of it and soon forget all about it and things are better.

I have been in a similar relationship previously and getting away from it was just so liberating, albeit it was rather scary at first, but down the line I looked back at that situation and was almost mad at myself for sticking in it for so dam long.

Life is short - far, FAR too short to spend it with somebody who makes you feel this way.
 
daddyman16 said:
I'm going to say something controversial here, it should be a relief to you that she'd be with someone else because it'll them getting treated badly, not you. You know she's only going to be having fun because she's got some fresh meat to mistreat, not because she's actually happy.
Besides, anyone who does the whole thing of winding their ex up with intimate details of their new relationship are just nasty individuals that aren't worth your time or stress.
Click to expand...
Yeah I get that. It's just easier said than done to not let it affect me
 
Adam . said:
Let's just say for example you ended this relationship with her, why should she be able to tell you any of this?

In the event of a break-up, It would probably be healthy for you (and her) to cut all ties / all lines of communication, so that such a situation would not arise and cause you the distress. Block her number, Facebook and whatever else. I appreciate this may create a void in your life for a while, but sometimes holding on to something causes more damage than letting go.

I remember someone once telling me that letting go of a toxic relationship is a bit like having a tooth that's causing severe pain removed. At first you're very focused on the void where the tooth was, it feels weird, your tongue is constantly rubbing over the area in question, but pretty quickly after, you realise the pain is subsiding, you're not as focused on any of it and soon forget all about it and things are better.

I have been in a similar relationship previously and getting away from it was just so liberating, albeit it was rather scary at first, but down the line I looked back at that situation and was almost mad at myself for sticking in it for so dam long.

Life is short - far, FAR too short to spend it with somebody who makes you feel this way.
Click to expand...
We have a 2 year old daughter. Cutting contact isn't an option
 
Back
Top