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Advice needed

Advice needed

DSPP said:
Yeah I get that. It's just easier said than done to not let it affect me
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DSPP said:
We have a 2 year old daughter. Cutting contact isn't an option
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Sorry, I must've missed this part about your daughter (or forgotten). I can see why it complicates things now.

Nobody should stay together 'for the kids' mind you. I think kids just end up in toxic environments seeing toxic relationships as normal, which then makes them think it's acceptable to have the same when they're older.

You probably owe it to your daughter to be the happiest, most stable and most engaged version of yourself as possible, and I know that a bad relationship can ruin all of that. I think your daughter (although young) will pick up on it too.

I understand it's easier said than done, so I'm not going to lay it on any thicker than that.
 
daddyman16 said:
Sorry, I must've missed this part about your daughter (or forgotten). I can see why it complicates things now.

Nobody should stay together 'for the kids' mind you. I think kids just end up in toxic environments seeing toxic relationships as normal, which then makes them think it's acceptable to have the same when they're older.

You probably owe it to your daughter to be the happiest, most stable and most engaged version of yourself as possible, and I know that a bad relationship can ruin all of that. I think your daughter (although young) will pick up on it too.

I understand it's easier said than done, so I'm not going to lay it on any thicker than that.
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Again I agree. I made the mistake of staying for the kids with my ex before her. I won't stay for our daughter. I'm just explaining why I can't cut contact. I suppose I need some time alone, away from her to reflect
 
Genuine question..... why is all the advice to leave her rather than to work on her problems? Is it unachievable?
 
DSPP said:
We have a 2 year old daughter. Cutting contact isn't an option
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I can't give anyone advice on marriage or relationships, but I can tell you about a terrible divorce. I got divorced 40 years ago, had 2 beautiful daughters, I couldn't handle the marriage and a total nervous breakdown, not a bit of one, total breakdown, whilst still married, attempted suicide 3 times, got very ill. managed to get back on track but the marriage was a disaster. I loved the women and still think about those times everyday.

The only way I could survive was to leave Preston, and get as far from home as possible, when divorced I tried everything to keep my relationship going with the children, they came to London twice a year, I used to finish work on Friday, jump in the car and drive to Preston to see the kids, went on for a long time, I had turned my life around was successful sort of, met other women and lived with them, made successful businesses and life was ok, but the first love and the kids were always there in the back of mind.

Divorce for me was heart wrenching, and devastating, but I survived, it takes a lot of pain and acceptance of the reality that engulfs you. I can't give you any advice on how to cope with it, as it is difficult if you love someone. Today I rarely see my children, I haven't seen my grandson, only photos, one daughter no longer speaks to me. The good thing is my current lady - I have been with for 25 years and we have our ups and downs, but nothing to threaten our relationship and things worked out.

Thing is in life, you never know what will happen to you, there is always sadness and pain, good times and grief, as life goes on you can never predict the outcome, it's about living with yourself and learning from mistakes. A toxic relationship will never work and can hold you back, with devastating consequences. Your child is always yours and if you stay in touch or not, she will get her own life, but you can maintain the contact as she is growing up, try keep it friendly with your partner for your child's sake.

There is the other option, I read once a quote from Sir Anthony Hopkins, he said
'Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then.'

Good luck, stay strong, and life might seem shit at this moment, but it will get better concentrate on yourself and your happiness, it isn't reliant on someone else.
 
DSPP said:
. And she is the type to tell me every intimate detail.
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DSPP said:
I've suggested counselling. She laughs and calls me weak
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Based on the above you have certainly got your answer. It seems to me you want a relationship with her that is just not achievable so you will always be unhappy.

BUT , though I’m certainly no counsellor , before you completely give up the ghost I would say this:

Be very very honest with yourself and ask yourself, if she was posting on here about problems with the relationship and with you , what would she write. I believe you will know the answer. You might even want to post it on here under a different name. I find there is usually 2 sides to every argument. Then ask yourself is she being reasonable and are your own behaviours making her behave the way she does. Also are you 100% sure what you write from your point of view is a reasonably fair and accurate presentation of your side.

If you are truly happy with your own assessment , then refer to paragraph 1 above.
 
DSPP said:
Has anyone ever felt trapped by a partner? They love them more than anything yet you get treated like dirt by them. You just want them to treat you good and be happy. You know you're better off without them yet the thought of being without them turns your stomach.
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The bold reasons are just some of the reasons why a lot of people, myself included, say that it's better to walk away.

I mean... If your other half will go to couples therapy with you and hear how you feel and what you have to say, then that's a start. I suspect the waiting lists are really long, given the general backlog of everything that doesn't involve a vaccine.
Maybe through therapy you might learn why she treats you how she does, maybe there's some deeply hidden reason.
She would need to do it with you though, otherwise it really does speak volumes, because if she isn't willing to understand how you feel then how can she even begin to love you, respect you etc?
 
...Sorry, I just saw your response about therapy.

Okay, sack that then.
Just ignore that bit.

If she thinks you're weak for wanting to work things out, then there's no point. You're actually the stronger of the two here for being an adult about it.

I feel like emotions like happiness can be regained through a plethora of things, but time can't be regained by any means. I don't know if that's something you agree with or if it's how you see life, but sometimes it helps. On a slightly different note, my wife says she'd always rather pick an expensive option that saved time than a cheap one that saved money, because time goes but money can always come back to you.
Think about the time you have alive, it goes quick, ask any of the more senior folk than me on here.

Time and life are precious. Spend both well.
 
"I would rather be miserable with you than without you" is from a song and unless you can see a way for both of you to make allowances then it just won't work.
I say this as only having seen my son one in the last 17 years, make sure this doesn't happen to you irrespective of what happens, oh and the intimate details are really just a "sticks and stones" thing, honestly.
Living on your own has some advantages (you can fart without fear of getting abuse, the dishes don't need to be done right away etc etc etc but it can also be pretty crap, I have found the "chums" I have met through footy and PNE in particular (online on the match) to be so supportive, they are not here to judge you (Cali, PBIG Meekees excepted) but take the piss and love getting it back (even JD).
Work wise talk with your upline if possible but if you run your own business this can be quite lonely at times, take some breaks enjoy time with your kids (if this is an issue use Cafcas).
Don't e afraid of being on your own, involve people as often as you feel is right or not, there are no rules but some friends might not know what to do therefore it will be up to you to keep contacts going.
 
billymac said:
"I would rather be miserable with you than without you" is from a song and unless you can see a way for both of you to make allowances then it just won't work.
I say this as only having seen my son one in the last 17 years, make sure this doesn't happen to you irrespective of what happens, oh and the intimate details are really just a "sticks and stones" thing, honestly.
Living on your own has some advantages (you can fart without fear of getting abuse, the dishes don't need to be done right away etc etc etc but it can also be pretty crap, I have found the "chums" I have met through footy and PNE in particular (online on the match) to be so supportive, they are not here to judge you (Cali, PBIG Meekees excepted) but take the piss and love getting it back (even JD).
Work wise talk with your upline if possible but if you run your own business this can be quite lonely at times, take some breaks enjoy time with your kids (if this is an issue use Cafcas).
Don't e afraid of being on your own, involve people as often as you feel is right or not, there are no rules but some friends might not know what to do therefore it will be up to you to keep contacts going.
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Wise words as always
Not sure what you are doing for new year with Jimmy krankie et al and their wisdom putting the mockers on things but whatever it is I wish you a very happy new year my friend
 
DSPP said:
Genuine question..... why is all the advice to leave her rather than to work on her problems? Is it unachievable?
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Among other posts you've made these stand out to me :



"I've suggested counselling. She laughs and calls me weak"

"But the thought of her with someone else rips me apart. And she is the type to tell me every intimate detail."

Sadly, I think you've answered your own questions..No one can live your life for you and decisions are made by yourself but if your posts are accurate then you are on borrowed time anyway,

Best of luck fella.
 
I went through something similar in 2020 when a 3 year relationship went to dust that April.

I wasn't happy about things but I slowly over 2 - 3 months got my head together when suddenly, that August, she reappeared in my life (for sex mainly) and I thought for the 6 weeks or so that things were back on track as we neither argued nor mentioned the past (I had been assaulted twice by her, 2nd time resulting in a dentists bill) so I thought 3rd time lucky as I loved her but equally at times hated that I was sometimes walking on eggshells around her (pre-split).

Then she started making last minute excuses not to see me around October. Come December (2020), I was hearing virtually nothing from her and my mind was racing with all sorts of scenarios playing out and on Boxing Day, she blocked me and I lost it, I was crying as I struggled to work out what was happening whilst drinking non stop for 48 hours or so. It was like a mini breakdown. I was acting extreme, like I was punishing myself.

I finally realised that I had to reach Jan 1st 2021 so that I could put 2020 (split up, bloody Covid 19 stopping us meeting, lockdowns, etc) behind me and I used 1/1/2021 as my lifeline.

Never looked back since. If I think about her whilst driving as various thoughts around a wide range of subjects float through my head, I feel absolutely nothing. No Love, No Hurt, No Loss, No Anger. Nothing. Just some girl I used to date, sleep with and go out with whilst having some good (and bad) memories.

You need, imo, to use midnight tonight as your fresh page with this woman in order to move on away from her mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The difference for myself exactly a year today to the day is like Night and Day.

If I can do, you can do it, too.

Good Luck.
 
Jack Daniels said:
I went through something similar in 2020 when a 3 year relationship went to dust that April.

I wasn't happy about things but I slowly over 2 - 3 months got my head together when suddenly, that August, she reappeared in my life (for sex mainly) and I thought for the 6 weeks or so that things were back on track as we neither argued nor mentioned the past (I had been assaulted twice by her, 2nd time resulting in a dentists bill) so I thought 3rd time lucky as I loved her but equally at times hated that I was sometimes walking on eggshells around her (pre-split).

Then she started making last minute excuses not to see me around October. Come December (2020), I was hearing virtually nothing from her and my mind was racing with all sorts of scenarios playing out and on Boxing Day, she blocked me and I lost it, I was crying as I struggled to work out what was happening whilst drinking non stop for 48 hours or so. It was like a mini breakdown. I was acting extreme, like I was punishing myself.

I finally realised that I had to reach Jan 1st 2021 so that I could put 2020 (split up, bloody Covid 19 stopping us meeting, lockdowns, etc) behind me and I used 1/1/2021 as my lifeline.

Never looked back since. If I think about her whilst driving as various thoughts around a wide range of subjects float through my head, I feel absolutely nothing. No Love, No Hurt, No Loss, No Anger. Nothing. Just some girl I used to date, sleep with and go out with whilst having some good (and bad) memories.

You need, imo, to use midnight tonight as your fresh page with this woman in order to move on away from her mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The difference for myself exactly a year today to the day is like Night and Day.

If I can do, you can do it, too.

Good Luck.
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I reckon you're right JD. it's just whether I'm mentally strong enough. I somehow doubt it. I'll give it my best shot
 
DSPP said:
I reckon you're right JD. it's just whether I'm mentally strong enough. I somehow doubt it. I'll give it my best shot
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Course you are cha.

You've just done a year off the ale, you're clearly a strong willed man and if needs be you've got this thread to draw on for strength and advice whenever you need it.
 
Sack the Mrs off and neck a pint. You deserve a chance of being happy. What you're currently putting yourself through is denying you that chance.

Oh, and Billy missed me off on his list of people here to judge.
 
MBcha said:
Course you are cha.

You've just done a year off the ale, you're clearly a strong willed man and if needs be you've got this thread to draw on for strength and advice whenever you need it.
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Yeah but I can see this being a hell of a lot harder
 
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